Compassionate Parenting

Using Compassionate Focused Therapy (CFT) Techniques when Parenting Children and Teenagers

Dr Katherine Hodson

Child & Adolescent Clinical Psychologist

Why is parenting so hard these days?

Parenting is a tough job, and parents today face even more challenges than their own parents did. Around 50% of 10 year olds already have a smartphone, potentially bringing them near constant access to the internet, to social media (and associated pressures) and to gaming apps. Children are busy these days, often with homework and multiple clubs that take up their afternoons and evenings. Yet parents are also busy – with around 72% of mums working part or full time. So there is not much breathing space for parents and children – and instead they can feel as if they are constantly on a ‘treadmill of activities and chores’.

Families are often more isolated as well, typically not living in the close family communities that our ancestors did. This in turn means that parents can have limited contact with babies and children before they themselves have children; which can add to their feelings of uncertainty and stress.

Why parent with compassion?

A compassionate parenting approach is very protective for both the child and the parent’s wellbeing during difficult parenting moments when they may each experience tricky emotions.

It has also been shown to benefit the young person and their parents’ future mental health, behaviour and success. For example:

Parental guilt and shame is common, and has been reported by as many as one in three parents (Avdagic et al, 2024). Unfortunately, such guilt can develop into the parent then becoming self critical and self blaming, particularly when difficult parenting moments occur. Yet if a parent is prompted to be self compassionate, they report having reduced feelings of guilt and shame compared to a control group (Sirios et al, 2019). CFT parental interventions can help improve parental self-criticism, which has in turn been shown to improve child outcomes, including child peer problems and child emotional problems (Kirby et al, 2023)

When we parent with compassion, our children experience warmth. This warmth can then act to prevent children from learning to fear compassion later on in life, which in turn reduces the risk of them developing anxiety, OCD and depression (Merritt & Purdon, 2020)
Hoang, Kirby, and colleagues (2022) researched what happened if a compassion module was added to a classic parenting programme in Vietnam, and discovered a number of benefits, such as parents becoming less self critical, and the children having reduced behavioural problems and greater prosocial behaviour.
Teenagers who have experienced adverse childhood experiences had a reduction in their sense of self-blame, guilt and impulsive behaviours after a CFT intervention (Shahab et al, 2024).

How do I do compassionate parenting?

It can be hard to remember ‘in the moment’ how to parent compassionately, as we can quickly fall into patterns of established behaviour (including with our parenting) that has been shaped by our genetics, our experiences from our own childhoods, and the influence of the friends, family members, and professionals we have come into contact with as our children are growing up. Plus our memories of previous parenting moments, including how well (or not!) they have gone, and how our children reacted to us during such interactions (based on their own genetic make up and experiences over the years).

One way to help ourselves when we are starting to undertake compassionate parenting is to remember the four ‘EASE steps’:

The four EASE steps to compassionate parenting

Step 1: E = Emotions

The first thing you need to do when you are starting compassionate parenting is to pause and check in with your own feelings. Understanding what you’re feeling is crucial, because your emotions directly influence how you behave—especially with your child.

It is completely normal to have uncomfortable emotions when you are faced with a tricky parenting moment, including stress, irritation, guilt, and even fear. By recognising what you’re feeling, you can then gain the ability to work with these emotions, instead of being led by them. But this takes honesty—you’ll need to acknowledge feelings you might prefer to avoid. For instance, it’s much easier to admit you are feeling happy than to confess that you are feeling resentment or rage.

Taking the time to recognise how you’re feeling also slows down the fast-thinking, reactive part of your brain. It creates space to reflect, rather than rushing into automatic responses that may not be helpful.

Another key step is to become aware of how your child is feeling. What would it be like to step into their shoes? How might your child be experiencing this tricky moment? This can be really helpful, as your parenting will be more in sync with your child’s needs if you are able to notice and respond to their emotional world. If, at this stage, you find that your emotions are beginning to spiral or are becoming hard to manage, that’s a sign it’s time to take the next step:

Step 2: A = Actions to soothe

This second step is about managing our emotions more effectively, not eliminating them entirely. Emotions can’t simply be switched off—they’re tied to changes in our body and brain, such as hormone releases (like adrenaline, endorphins, and cortisol) and physical responses, like an increased heart rate. Still, using soothing strategies helps us regain emotional balance, putting us in a better position to apply compassionate parenting techniques.

There are many different CFT actions to soothe, including: mindfulness techniques, shifting to using a soothing breathing rhythm, and/or going to a calm place in your mind with imagery. You may like self-talk strategies (e.g. reassuring yourself that you will ‘get through this tricky moment’), or a more personal action (e.g. taking two minutes out to stroke a family pet).

You may also need to guide your child in finding their own soothing activities to help them with their emotions – depending on what you have discovered from the ‘E= Emotions’ step above. By this point, you will be starting to get into a calmer, more compassionate mindset, so will be feeling more ready for the third step of EASE.

Step 3: S = Stopping with compassion

S = Stopping with compassion is when we begin to use specific parenting strategies, which can vary depending on the focus of your parenting. You will need to remember all of the basics to self compassion, including your voice tone, posture, facial expression and types of words used – both in the inner speech to yourself, and in your approach to your child.

Keep in mind the importance of grounding your mind in the three aspects of compassion, namely:

Caring element: thus recognising the distress that you and/or your child may be experiencing in this difficult parenting moment, and connecting with your motivation to find a way forward that is as helpful and healthy as is possible in the circumstances.

Using wisdom: to work out what your child and you really need in this difficult moment. This might be a practical parenting tool such as a gentle reminder of a consequence, a countdown into action, or a sticker to go on a reward chart. Or it might be an action linked to your child’s underlying feelings (that you worked out in step 1 of EASE). For example, giving them a detailed explanation of an upcoming event that you have spotted might be causing them anxiety and that has led to their difficult behaviour (rather than focusing your parenting solely on their problematic actions).

Connecting with your own personal strength: as it is often easier to slip into typical habits and responses, or to avoid a tough parenting moment all together, particularly when your tricky feelings have been triggered. So it takes real courage and determination to act in a different way.

You may also need to support your child in connecting with their own self compassionate voice when they start to express self criticism over a situation that has just occurred. You are now at the last step of EASE:

Step 4: E = Emotions now?

Our feelings are useful, as they generally tell us how we are thinking and responding to a given situation. Therefore, if your original emotions (that you identified in step 1) have started to shift, you know that you have made positive progress through this difficult parenting moment. And hopefully your child’s emotions have shifted as well.

If your difficult emotions are still high, you may need to revisit step 2 and step 3 in order to tweak your compassionate parenting approach. Parenting is hard, and no one gets it right every time. However, compassionate parenting can help guide and support you as you go forward in your parenting journey.

by Dr Katherine Hodson

Co-author of The Compassionate Parenting Workbook

References

Avdagic, E., Kienhuis, M., Wade, C., Matthews, J. & Cannhttps, W. (2024). Parenting Research Centre: parenting guilt or shame. www.parentingrc.org.au/ptiv/assets/download/Parental_guilt_or_shame_brief.pdf

Fernandes, D.V., Canavarro, M.C. & Moreira, H. (2021). The role of mothers’ self compassion on mother-infant bonding during the COVID-19 pandemic: a longitudinal study exploring the mediating role of mindful parenting and parenting stress in the postpartum period. Infant Mental Health, 42 (5), 621-635.

Hoang, NT, Kirby, JN, Haslam, D, Sanders, M (2022). Promoting Positive Relationships between Parents and Grandparents: A randomized controlled trial of group Triple P Plus compassion in Vietnam, Behavior Therapy, 53, 1175-1190.

Kirby, J.N., Hoang, A., & Ramos, N. (2023). A brief compassion focused therapy intervention can help self critical parents and their children: a randomised controlled trial. Psychology & Psychotherapy 96 (3), 608-626.

Merritt, O.A. & Purdon, C.L. (2020). Scared of compassion: Fear of compassion in anxiety, mood, and non-clinical groups. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 59,354-368

Shabab, M.M., Taklavi, S. & Klouri, F.P. (2024). The effectiveness of compassion focused therapy on self blame, guilt, and impulsive behaviors of adolescents with adverse childhood experiences.

http://frooyesh.ir/article-1-5252-en.html

Sirois, F.m., Bogels, S., & Emerson, L. (2019). Self-compassion improved parental well-being in response to challenging parenting events. Journal of Pediatric Psychology 153 (3), 327-341.

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