The Importance of Caring for the Human in the Therapist’s Chair
Dr Hayley D Quinn
As therapists, you spend your days helping others navigate challenging mental and emotional health. You hold space and provide empathy, guidance, support, wisdom and understanding to help clients manage their stress, anxiety, trauma and overall well-being. This can be an enriching and meaningful career, but all too often, the care and compassion flow one way only towards the client, and self-care takes a backseat due to busyness and being “other” focused. It’s also unlikely that if you’ve chosen to work in a helping profession, you stop having these qualities when you’re not at work. You likely remain “other” focused in your non-work life, ensuring family and friends are well taken care of, even at the detriment of your needs.
Do you practice what you preach?
There’s currently a lot of talk about burnout, empathy fatigue, and the importance of self-care. Yet, how many of you truly practice what you preach? The irony is that therapists are often the ones who neglect their well-being. Surprisingly, [or maybe not] despite having the skills and qualities to offer others care, consideration and nurturance, many therapists struggle to give these to themselves. Your own needs are put aside for the sake of your clients or others in your life.
You know the theory and importance of practice; after all, you teach it to your clients daily, but integrating self-care, self-compassion, and sustainable practices into your life is another matter entirely.
We all need to recognise that we are human first, no matter the role we choose for work. Long before you took the path of studying, long before you sat with your first client, you were managing as best you could as a human navigating life, and your humanness does not cease when your studying is complete and your career starts.
If you cannot or do not acknowledge your humanness and deal with the issues that arise for you as a human who has chosen to work as a therapist, how can you address what you need to? How can you manage your emotions in a way that allows you to be fully present to your clients, and how can you sustain yourself during such a demanding role when you have so many other roles in your life as well?
You can’t forget that while you sit in a therapist chair, you are not just a therapist; you are a human being with a range of emotions, and your history and current life impact how you respond to people, stories and events.
There seems to be a narrative that says, “You’re a therapist, you’re meant to care for others, you’re okay, you know how to manage all of this”. But what if you don’t? What if you’re not okay and don’t feel like you can manage? What if other aspects of your life make it hard to sit in the role of therapist at any given time? What then?
When I ran a group for helping professionals, I noticed that even in a space dedicated to personal practice and self-care, the conversations quickly turned towards what clients and others in the therapist’s lives needed. Why is it so hard for those who choose to work in a caring role to turn that care towards themselves? Where did you get lost in this? What did you hear in your training or somewhere along the way that told you, “Your client matters more than you do”?
Yes, your clients matter. Yes, how you engage with them personally and professionally is important, and Spoiler Alert – You really matter too!
The Power of Burnout
No doubt you’re familiar with the concept of burnout – chronic physical and emotional exhaustion resulting from chronic, unmanaged [workplace] stress. While that is an overarching description, it can present in many more ways. While burnout can happen in any profession and non-work context, as therapists, you’re especially vulnerable due to the emotional labour inherent in your work. You’re constantly holding space for others, listening to the pain and suffering of your clients, and if you’re not taking care of yourself, this can easily take its toll.
What’s insidious about burnout is how easy it is to ignore until it becomes overwhelming. At first, you might feel more tired than usual or less excited about your work or that tasks are becoming increasingly difficult. Eventually, if you aren’t checking in with yourself and attending to what you need, one of the problems can be fatigue, that can lead to emotional detachment.
You may start to notice a decrease or lack of empathy for your clients, and your work may feel less meaningful, even leading to a desire to leave the profession altogether. You may notice increased irritability and conflict in your relationships, perhaps an increase in self-criticism or self-doubt. I’ll never forget my old PhD roommate acknowledging how he constantly used humour to avoid how he was feeling as he was slowly burning out. Laughing and joking aren’t on the typical lists of signs and symptoms of burnout. This highlights that we need to regularly reflect on our behaviours, notice what we are doing more or less of, and then ask what this is in service of and whether it’s helpful or harmful. I believe that knowing yourself is the greatest gift you can give yourself in service of your well-being.
The Importance of Compassion-Based Self-Care
It’s essential that you embrace self-care practices in ways that are sustainable for you. Self-care isn’t just about a quick break from work or a walk in nature, though these activities certainly help. It’s not about creating another to-do list that leaves you feeling even more overwhelmed. It’s about creating a plan that goes beyond the surface level. It starts with understanding yourself so whatever you’re doing fits in with who you are and how you live. It needs to include regular check-ins, curiosity about your needs, healthy, flexible boundaries, learning to say no so you can say yes to yourself, and acknowledging that you are human first and must treat yourself accordingly.
In Compassion Focused Therapy, compassion is defined as a sensitivity to suffering, both in ourselves and others, with the commitment to alleviate and prevent suffering. Prof. Paul Gilbert’s model introduces us to the idea that we have three emotional regulation systems: the threat system, the drive system, and the soothing system. Each one serves a purpose, but the key to our long-term well-being lies in balancing them (as best we can), particularly through nurturing our soothing system.
Where Threat and Drive Collide
In my work and talks with therapists, I notice they often operate from the threat and drive systems. The threat system is activated by things like feeling overwhelmed by your workload, being anxious about a complex case, or fear that you’re not doing enough. Your drive system then motivates you to achieve; this might look like taking on more clients, working late into the night to finish admin tasks, or over-preparing and constantly striving to be a good therapist.
Unfortunately, remaining in this threat-based drive state can lead to chronic stress and burnout. This is where self-compassion becomes essential. Self-compassion invites us to consciously activate our soothing system, the part of us that allows us to slow down, find calm, rest, and extend caring, warmth and understanding toward ourselves.
It’s not uncommon, as a therapist, to be your own harshest critic. Holding yourself to high standards, believing you should be able to handle all of your clients’ struggles, the expectation that you “should” always be physically and emotionally available and never fall short. This mindset only strengthens the threat and drive systems, leaving little room for the care and nurturance you need for yourself.
I invite you to pause for a moment and imagine allowing yourself to practice having compassionate thoughts, engaging in more compassionate behaviours and creating a more sustainable way of working. What if you reminded yourself that it’s okay to struggle, that you are human, and that soothing your own suffering and taking care of your needs makes you better equipped to help others?
Sustainability at Work
Working sustainably means embracing a pace and structure that allows you to thrive rather than just survive. Too often, therapists feel an obligation to be endlessly available, but this isn’t sustainable, at least not without sacrificing other important aspects of your life. It can lead to emotional exhaustion, resentment, and, ultimately, a reduced ability to care for your clients due to the inevitable burnout.
It’s essential for you to create safe internal and external environments. You can learn to set clear professional (and personal) boundaries. This might involve planning your working hours and ensuring you let clients know when these are, managing the number and types of clients you see, or learning to say no. These boundaries are not selfish; they are vital to maintaining your long-term well-being and effectiveness as a practitioner. Everyone’s work contexts are different, and if you are employed and have less autonomy, this may involve having conversations with your workplace. It may also require you to be radically honest about the suitability of a particular workplace.
Sustainability also involves recognising your limitations. No matter how skilled or experienced you are, you cannot be everything to everyone. Delegating tasks or referring a client to a colleague can help you preserve your energy and allow you to focus on the most meaningful aspects of your work. By creating a professional life that is manageable, enjoyable and a good fit for you personally, you can look forward to longevity in your chosen profession, ensuring that you can continue to do this important work without depleting yourself in the process.
It is also necessary to remember that we are social beings wired for connection. Therapists are often relatively isolated in their daily work, particularly in private practice, and unable to talk about work when at home due to confidentiality. This, in itself, can take a toll.
A strong support system, whether through formal supervision, peer supervision groups, personal therapy, business coaching or professional networks, can make all the difference in maintaining your well-being. Surrounding yourself with compassionate others can allow you to process your emotional responses, seek advice, and feel understood by others who truly “get it.”
Recognising when you need help and being open to receiving it is another area worth practising, particularly if this isn’t something you feel comfortable with. I know from personal experience that this can be challenging and also something you can learn and benefit from. Just because you’re trained to offer support, don’t forget you’re also deserving of it. Building a personal and professional network of care creates a buffer against the stress and emotional toll of your work.
It’s easy to feel guilty about prioritising your own needs. You might worry that taking time off or reducing your workload means you’re abandoning your clients. But here’s the truth: when you care for yourself, you can be a better therapist. You’re more likely to be present, empathetic and effective in your sessions. Clients benefit from your enhanced capacity to listen deeply, think critically, and hold space for their emotions without becoming overwhelmed by your own.
You can model self-care, showing clients [and those around you] that self-care and self-compassion are non-negotiable aspects of a healthy life. Doing this gives others permission to adopt these practices in their own lives.
Many years ago, as a practising psychologist, I could see I was struggling and, unfortunately, was caught in the fear of letting others down, so I pushed on and ignored my needs until that was no longer an option. Ultimately, I experienced a significant burnout that impacted my clients, my health, my relationships, my finances and opportunities and put me on a long road to recovery. What I experienced could have been avoided. Now, I’m passionate about helping others prioritise their well-being and create a career path or business that feels meaningful, successful, enjoyable and sustainable.
The work of a therapist is demanding, but it doesn’t have to be depleting. By embracing self-care, self-compassion, and sustainable ways of working, we create a foundation for long-term well-being and professional fulfilment.
May this be a gentle reminder that self-care isn’t just a nice idea but necessary for personal well-being and professional longevity. When self-care and adopting sustainable ways of working aren’t prioritised, you’re doing a disservice to yourself.
Remember, being kind to yourself is not a sign of weakness. It’s an acknowledgment that you deserve the same compassion you offer to your clients and those around you. So please take the time to rest, set those boundaries, and nurture yourself with the same care and attention that you give to others. You and your clients will be better for it.
Go well and go gently with yourself and always remember you are human first.
Dr Hayley D Quinn
Dr Hayley D Quinn is the founder and director of Welcome to Self®, speaker, trainer, author and your go-to anti-burnout business coach. Hayley is the host of the popular Welcome to Self® podcast and past president of Compassionate Mind Australia. As a former clinical psychologist and counsellor, Hayley has almost three decades of experience in human behaviour and behaviour change that sticks.
Hayley is a late-identified neurodivergent woman (AuDHD) and with personal experience of burnout to recovery, extensive training in compassion focused therapy and experience running multiple businesses, Hayley brings a unique blend of insights to her work with clients.
Hayley is on a mission to revolutionise how entrepreneurs and business owners operate, empowering them to transform their relationship with themselves and their businesses, create success on their terms, and engage in sustainable ways of working so they don’t compromise their well-being.
Hayley believes if you thrive, your business will too!
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